This was So. Good. I don't even have the words. I think there's a real trick to pulling off cracky humor, and my dear, you have succeeded. Not only is this funny, but it's also ridiculously clever and strangely heartwarming and the lines, my goodness, the lines are all so brilliant. Really, really enjoyable read. Gold star for you.

P.S. Canon Kidnapped My Boyfriend would be an excellent band name. I'm just saying.