ME TOO. Even when I have an idea which is explicitly, uh, explicit, it basically turns into genfic with maybe the barest suggestion of platonic romance. Every time I say "fuck you, I'm just thinking outside the romantic paradigm!" what I'm actually thinking is "WHY WON'T THESE PEOPLE JUST GET IT ON FOR GOD'S SAKE"

You know what they say about men with big feet!

That you can use their shoes as kayaks?

What is his shoe size?

You should Twitter him and ask. Or find someone attending a convention and get them to ask. Either way, I feel like this would be a productive use of everybody's time.