whynot | we were rewarded by journeys / away from each other

This secret showed up on the new SPNsecrets post, and my heart goes out to you, anon. Sturgeon's Law always applies: you have to work to find the grittier D/C that doesn't let them fix things with sex or Troo Luv, or swap out characterization for stock tropes. It is out there though, and I want you to find it if you're looking for it because when done right, it cuts straight to the bone. I know these things are highly subjective, but if you also like your D/C fics rife with crossed loyalties and stubborn distances, then maybe you might find something you like in...

...my highly subjective D/C starter kit! This is as much for my reference as it is yours, all my favorites in one place. I tried to keep it explicitly D/C instead of the shippiness-masquerading-as-gen that is my wont. I multiship Cas all over the place these days (Cas/regrettable things OTP), but D/C holds a special place in my heart and here are eight fics that I think are pretty amazing.

We Who Stumble by

lexhibition | PG13 | also contains Balthazar/Castiel | ~3800 words | Profound bonds in wartime.
Lex is my favorite D/C writer, hands down. She doesn't conflate love with happiness and she never pulls her punches. The D/C sex scene (well, 'sex' scene) is awesome in all senses of the word, and epic and heartrending in how it reminds you how much Dean and Cas have to struggle to reach each other. I was a gibbering mess by the end of this story.

indulgence by

myriadborealis | PG | 3620 words | seperate desires, seperate indulgences; exposure.
A coda to 5x14. This fic uses no shorthand. Cas doesn't understand the details of his vessel's reactions, but the reader does, and I'm really impressed by how the writer balances it. I rarely see a more nuanced look at Castiel's discomfort with human instincts.

Say Uncle by

vanitashaze | R | ~8000 words | Written for the prompt, 'After Cas experiences another beating from any angel of your choice, Dean decides that Cas needs to learn how to defend himself.'
Written mid-S5. There are not enough HNNNGH and GUH in the world. Dean teaching Cas to fight like a human, and omg my bulletproof kink a.k.a. smoking!Cas, and not to mention the writing - clever, gritty, and sensual without losing its grittiness, I am not being coherent, just read it.

Everything That Dies by

murron | PG13 | 5370 words | warning: character deaths | Events in Detroit leave Castiel with few choices and a hard decision.
Written during the mid-S5 hiatus. This fic haunted me. I told myself I couldn't read it again, then I read it again while I was compiling this list and oh god you guys, there will never be joy in the world again ;____; (I mean that as high compliment, Murron.) It's gorgeous, and it hurts.

You Never Left, You Only Changed by

blaskjar | PG13 | also contains Dean/Lisa | 4510 words | Written for the prompts ‘nothing but thunder’ and ‘Can Lisa see Castiel?’ "Castiel only visits in the mornings. Dean doesn’t know how to adjust, but tries to.
Written during post-S5 hiatus. Blaskjar has the lightest, loveliest touch. Her fics feel like looking at impressionist paintings - something wistful, something obscured by the light. Dean, Lisa, and Cas feel like they're on the verge of being set adrift, but the fic never tightens its fists, yet never lets go. The atmosphere is fantastic.

Elysium by

gabby_silang | PG13 | 3349 words | Castiel Löwe is a Swedish national.
Written during post-S5 hiatus, an AU in which Cas remains human after resurrection. I may be biased because she wrote this fic for me, but that doesn't erase the fact that Gabby is an incredibly incisive writer with a nuanced grasp of the stranger in a strange land. (Have I told you that Third Culture Cas is my favorite? Gratuitous link to my other favorite Cas fic that does this.) Gabby uses setting and imagery to great effect. There are little details that betray secrets the story never articulates.

Echoes Fall Off Me by

dotfic | R | 1200 words | 5x04 coda covering covers 2010-2012, or thereabouts.
This was one of the first fics I read getting into SPN fandom where I went "YES THAT IS CORRECT." My reaction after rereading it now is still the same.

Unmeasured Prelude by

furius | G | ~1000 words | Castiel and Dean, at a loss.
This is the shmoopiest thing on this list. If it weren't for the lyrical style, it would almost be meta, which the author later confesses is what it started out as. Anyway, it's a lovely meditation on what getting out of Hell means to the both of them.

And I don't know where you and your fics have gone,

shane_mayhem, but I wish you'd come back.

ETA: NEW ADDITION TO THIS LIST: http://glorious-spoon.livejournal.com/31449.html YES YES YES

This post has been brought to you by

their faces.

It being Poetry Month, have a poem about them:

MOVEMENT SONG

I have studied the tight curls on the back of your neck
moving away from me
beyond anger or failure
your face in the evening schools of longing
through mornings of wish and ripen
we were always saying goodbye
in the blood in the bone over coffee
before dashing for elevators going
in opposite directions
without goodbyes.

Do not remember me as a bridge nor a roof
as the maker of legends
nor as a trap
door to that world
where black and white clericals
hang on the edge of beauty in five oclock elevators
twitching their shoulders to avoid other flesh
and now
there is someone to speak for them
moving away from me into tomorrows
morning of wish and ripen
your goodbye is a promise of lightning
in the last angels hand
unwelcome and warning
the sands have run out against us
we were rewarded by journeys
away from each other
into desire
into mornings alone
where excuse and endurance mingle
conceiving decision.
Do not remember me
as disaster
nor as the keeper of secrets
I am a fellow rider in the cattle cars
watching
you move slowly out of my bed
saying we cannot waste time
only ourselves.

Audre Lorde