whynot: etc: oh deer (dat shot)
Las ([personal profile] whynot) wrote2011-05-24 08:39 am

the dust of the road sticks with you

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I'm not sure what this next thing is. It's gen and kinda weird, approximately 400 words. I think it's trying to be a 6x22 episode coda, but mostly it's my theology angst trying to co-opt Dean and Castiel for its own nefarious purposes.


Your desire must be disciplined,
and what you want to happen
in time, sacrificed.

- Rumi



all i want to know is, what am i allowed to ask of god? what am i allowed to pray for? what if i told you that i have asked god down for a beer but he was a different guy back then, kind of weird and out there but i liked him. what if i told god: you were never a god to begin with, you’re just a child, and i’m sorry if that hurt your feelings but it’s true.

god, i want you to fix what you broke, starting with yourself.

it’s like in the holy books where the almighty talked to people all the time, all the goddamn time blah blah blah do this moses do that joseph but these days god’s fucked off and are you gonna be like that, is this how you’re gonna play it, and is everyone doomed to be their father, because i really hope that isn’t true.

what if i believed in you, but not god you, just you you, because what if the old god had a heart under the godhood too, and what if he left because no one ever wanted to know it? what if the old god did love you, what if he did yearn for you, what if he never knew how to get through to you, and what if the old god hated what he’s become and just wanted a new beginning? the dust of the road sticks with you and i know this well, but sometimes in lieu of water, desert tribes wash their hands with sand. i cannot possibly count my sins, but it occurs to me that if you are who you say you are, you’re the only one who can count high enough to number them. but just because we know each other’s sins, doesn’t mean we’re each other’s salvation, and i’m sorry that we realized this too late.

god, you’re better than this, or at least, i hoped you were.

can you pray to god to stop being god? can you go back to what you were or does godliness nullify the past, are you ahistorical, am i cast out of your bible? you want me to love you and i did, but you want me to love you and you want me to love and i’m telling you: i did.


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