you are phonetic in my newborn heart

[whynot]

I have no internet at home for the next couple of weeks, so HELLO NET CAFE YOU ARE MY NEW BFF. First order of business: Novakcest. callowyn posted about when Jimmy met Amelia, and glassyskies wrote Half the gravity, which is about the time Jacob and Jimmy got drunk together in high school. ALL THE HEARTS IN ALL MY THOUSAND EYES.

Now this next thing, I'm not sure whether I should crosspost it to deancastiel or gid_hanasheh, so... yeah, that's the kind of thing it is. It's a compilation of the bits and scraps of feeeliiings that the finale shook out of me. It's pre-Dean/Cas, I guess, or maybe it's straight-up Dean/Cas? But maybe feel free to put on your gen goggles and squint? Because whether it's romantic or not is beside the point? IDK, maybe I won't crosspost it anywhere because what the hell is this even.


some thoughts
on elephants, myths, alternate universes, and the weather. Castiel and Dean in season six. 570 words.

on elephants

it wasn’t an elephant in the room, it was maybe the chandelier, it was clear as day, we flicked it on and off and controlled the darkness in each other, but if it was an elephant, it was the elephant of blind men, each of us touching a different part, and it is a rope, it is a snake, it is a fan, it is a tree, the way i hid you from my penance and said this means i love you, the way you never tried to take me apart and i said this means i love you, the way you tried to grip me tight and raise me from myself and i said i am trying i am trying i am saying please, because it was also the elephant of deaf men, because all this time you were saying the same things and i never heard you, i never heard a word


on myths

we don't understand each other. that's why misdirection comes so easy. we only know each other in the way some people who never studied meteorology know the rain. this one is a hurricane, this one is a drizzle but it’ll freeze you down to the bone, and this is just the dry heaves of clouds, nothing’s actually gonna pour, don't worry, maybe there’ll be a lightning bolt or two so keep out of open spaces. it’s rote memorization. i remember your comings and goings so my heart tightens at the beat of wings. i have died for you so your prayers reach me even in battle. this is memorization the way some people read the quran and find solace in it though they speak not a lick of arabic, over and over, until understanding becomes less important than connection. i read you for the humming you make on my tongue, the thrum of familiarity. the promise of something bigger than this. explain to me why there is winter. because i love you. explain to me how we got fire. because i am waiting for you to love me back. i don’t need to understand how i burn; i just do. no one ever taught me this was a mistake. in my younger days, i repeated the mantra of my father until it weighed me down and no one ever taught me this was anything but love.


on alternate universes

the one where you put out the fire, the one where you put out the fire even though i keep refusing you, the one where in the middle of raking leaves you hear the beat of wings, the one where i answer your brother’s prayers, the one where i leave him in hell, the one where i say to you “i have a plan to get your brother out”, the one where you die because i won’t let fate threaten me, the one where i see the blood on your hands and remember the knife in mine, the one where i haven't lost you, the one where i haven't lost you but think i have, the one where you chase me down and pry me from myself, the one where you knew to do that, the one where i knew that the door was always open, the one where i knew that your silence was not forgetfulness but trust


on the weather

no one ever thinks to ask the desert why it rains.