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'Fiat Lux' - SPN - Jimmy Novak
AND NOW, a snippet from the tragicomedy, Lassiter Tries To Get Her Shit Together. Act II: First World Problems. MY SMARTPHONE IS OUTSMARTING ME. Fucking Blackberry is going to become sentient overnight and kill me in my sleep, I swear to fucking god. Blackberry internetting still eludes me, alas, but, ummm... at least all the Casfest pinch-hits are covered? All I brought for lunch to work today are double-stuff milanos, because why the motherfucking eyefuck not. PS: Please don't crosspost my shit to Facebook or Twitter, thanks.
I wrote this next commentfic at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wandersfound's. The prompt was 'possessiveness/jealousy'. Despite having written this for the Five Acts meme, it is Novak gen. Such as it goes. I'm also gonna go ahead and count this for the Jimmy square of my ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spnsupporting table. Guess that SPN/Stonehenge Apocalypse twincest AU will just have to wait.
The epigraph is from 'After Persephone' by Tracy K. Smith, which is a poem about angel/vessel PTSD. Thank you tozempasuchil for betareading.
Fiat Lux
Supernatural. Jimmy, Claire, Castiel. PG.
Futurefic. The next time Castiel needs a vessel, it's Claire who says yes. Jimmy POV. ~2000 words
The lights gather above them in a way that is all too familiar to Jimmy. He's holding on to Claire's arms so hard that it must hurt, but he doesn't care, he's not letting go. No way is he letting go.
"You can't do this!" Jimmy yells, shaking her, but he can't displace the resolution and wonder from her face. "Claire, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into."
"I do," she breathes. "Dad, I do. It's okay. He's not going to take you again."
But he tugs Claire into his arms, hugs her too tight and rages at the heavens, "You keep the hell away from her!" but then the light gets so bright. It falls around them like rain, and no matter how many times Jimmy yells no, it can't undo the yes already given. He doesn't let go, not even as the light threatens to blind him through closed lids, not even as the bone-shaking roar threatens to deafen him. Jimmy doesn't let go until the light fades, and only then does he blink away the afterimages (of burning wings, of wheels that spin eternal) and look into his daughter's eyes.
"Claire? Claire!"
She is calm, rigid, and opens her mouth to reply, and Jimmy interrupts to say her name again, just to cling for one more second to the hope that maybe Castiel changed his mind.
+
Claire has learned from Jimmy's mistakes, and Castiel is more open to compromise than he used to be. The agreement she struck with him allows her to be home every so often, for which Jimmy and Amelia are grateful, but...
Claire has always been a quiet girl, but now her quiet has acquired distance. Her affection is genuine, but her laughter is polite. He can't say that he and Amelia aren't too blame; they're afraid of asking Claire too many questions, afraid of not asking enough. Their daughter has developed the habit of suddenly looking away, watching and hearing for something that neither he nor Amelia are privy to. They reach out the best they can.
"Are you okay?" they'd ask. "Does he hurt you? Do you want to stop?"
"I'm fine," she'd answer. "Everything is fine."
When Jimmy and Claire are sitting at the kitchen island and sharing Cherry Garcia, he asks, "Does he talk to you?"
"Sure," she shrugs. "Sometimes."
"About what?"
She shrugs again.
"Does he let you see what's going on?"
"Sometimes."
Castiel had barely talked to him. He never let Jimmy see what was happening, aside from that time Castiel was upset enough over the death of his sister to let control slip just for a few seconds. Jimmy saw a woman on her back staring unseeing at the sky, the black outline of wings around her, and then the world shimmered and vanished once more.
"This isn't right," Jimmy sighs. "It should be me. You're young, you should be going to college, living your life--"
"Dad, this is my life."
"No, it's Castiel's."
She takes two bites of ice cream, looking intently at each spoonful before looking at him, and Jimmy rears back without thinking, because her eyes. For a split second he thought it was still Castiel.
Claire says, "This is the life I choose."
+
The worst is when Claire drops by and Castiel is still in her. That's part of Claire's deal, too. Castiel is to check and make sure Jimmy and Amelia are okay, let them see their daughter's face every once in a while, even though it's been rendered alien by angelic trespass. Alien, Jimmy thinks, but not unfamiliar.
This must have been what Claire saw. This must have been what Amelia saw when Castiel walked him out of their lives.
Amelia refuses to see Castiel. It's usually just Jimmy and him sitting on the porch steps, and Castiel looking small, out of place, and more impatient than Jimmy remembers.
"Claire says you talk to her sometimes," he says.
"Yes," Castiel replies. He has one foot on the first step, the other on the second, and he isn't looking at Jimmy. Those are the sneakers Claire bought for herself last Thanksgiving because her old Converse were starting to wear out.
"What do you talk to her about?"
"She asks me questions. She asks me what God is like. What other angels are like. She--"
"What are they like?" Jimmy asks.
"...I've never met my Father," Castiel admits hesitantly. "I doubt I ever will. My brothers and sisters are," and at this, the angel smiles a little, "dicks, as a friend once said."
Jimmy raises an eyebrow. "Friend? The Winchesters?"
"Yes."
"They're not dead yet, huh."
"They're difficult to kill."
"So are you, from what I hear."
The angel snorts, a human gesture that Jimmy would never have expected from him. "I guess you can say that, yes."
"Cas," says Jimmy, and as wary as he is of his former possessor, Jimmy feels an obscure joy at using a nickname for so powerful a being, "why did you... You didn't talk to me, when I was your vessel. You didn't let me see out."
"No," Castiel agrees.
Jimmy hesitates. This is stupid. But he already started anyway, so what the hell. "But you let Claire talk to you. You let her see what's going on."
"I thought I was protecting you."
"So what do you think you're doing with Claire?"
Castiel replies, "I was different then," like that means anything to Jimmy.
"That's not--" an excuse, but Jimmy doesn't say it because why would Castiel need to excuse himself for not cozying up to the guy he was possessing? "What, so the two of you are buddies now?" He tries to smirk.
Castiel smiles, and it's a bigger smile than the last. Almost Claire's smile. "Your daughter asked me that."
"What did you say?"
"That we're allies," he replies. "That together, we will save the world."
+
When Castiel started visiting Jimmy in his dreams all those years ago, he had told him the same thing. They will save the world. This is God's will. They are doing God's work. You are special, Jimmy, you are, you are, you are the only one. The words made the pieces of Jimmy's life fit together, and bolstered his suspicions that he was meant for something bigger, better, truer. Finally, Jimmy thought. Finally.
So Jimmy said yes, and the world faded to black.
He had had so many questions, but it's more difficult to have conversations in dreams than it is to be blessed. Much of the talk between Castiel and himself had gone one-way, with Jimmy lapping up every bit of revelation the angel imparted. There were so many things he wanted to know, from the theological ("So what's the deal with the other religions?") to the earthly ("So what's the deal with dinosaurs?"), but they never really got around to it.
For Jimmy and Castiel, things were very simple: I need you, said Castiel, and Jimmy replied, I am yours.
Right now, Jimmy is grilling burgers in the backyard and Claire is sitting in one of the adirondack chairs after bringing out the buns. They can see Amelia through the kitchen window, cutting up vegetables for the salad.
"Hey, Dad," Claire says. "Castiel took me to the moon."
"The what?"
"I was talking to him about other galaxies and--"
"How does that work?" Jimmy asks, turning to face her. "Do you guys speak telepathically, like it's all in your head? Do you speak out loud so it sounds like you're a crazy person talking to yourself?"
"In my head," she answers, and continues, "and I said well, if he can protect me from bullets and knives and falling out of windows--" Jimmy winces, "--then can he protect me from, you know, outer space? And he said yes."
She smiles tentatively, as if waiting for Jimmy to approve, so he says, "Holy cow. What was the moon like?"
"It's quiet. Really big, and beautiful. He let me run around, because you know how the gravity there is, like, not as strong? I was jumping around really high and stuff. It was pretty cool."
"Pretty cool," Jimmy repeats.
"We even saw the flag Neil Armstrong put up there," she grins.
"Aww. Did you salute it?"
Claire laughs. "No, no we didn't. Maybe I will next time."
Jimmy barely remembers anything from his possession. It was all like a dream, or a nightmare -- a really bad one that he can't quite remember when he wakes up even though his heart is still racing. All he has are vague impressions of light, heat if not searing cold, and hurtling through life at unimaginable speeds. He likes to think he felt the more intrusive edges of Castiel's doubt, or at least the outlines of his anger, but in truth it was hard to separate himself from Castiel at the time. The 'yes' destroys all boundaries.
He thinks he would've liked for Castiel to take him to Antarctica. Jimmy's always been curious about the place.
"Dad," says Claire. "The burgers."
They're burning. He returns to them frantically as Amelia comes out with the salad.
+
The next time Claire comes home, they go to Cape Cod.
They haven't done a vacation in a while, and Cape Cod had been the first vacation they took as a family. The nostalgia appeals to them all. They stay at a little seaside inn in Orleans and go to the beach with an unwieldy collection of umbrellas, snacks, water bottles, towels, cameras, magazines, et cetera. They throw a frisbee around, and Jimmy's throw accidentally lands it in the ocean. Claire volunteers to retrieve it.
"This was a great idea," Amelia says, slipping her arms around his waist as they watch Claire splashing through the water.
"She's growing pretty fast, huh?" Jimmy says. "Even with the angelic non-ageing thing, she's getting pretty big." He turns to face Amelia, who has lines at the corners of her eyes and mouth. He kisses her, and the lines deepen as she smiles. Jimmy used to joke that Amelia is now biologically older than him, but she didn't find it very funny.
"Jimmy," she says, and her tone is wary. "Jimmy, look."
So he does, and Claire is standing thigh-deep in the water, very still. The lime-green frisbee bobs on the waves, floating away. Amelia and Jimmy break into a run.
They call her name, and she doesn't respond, doesn't even move. Jimmy reaches her first, grabbing her shoulders in panic. "Claire," he says. "Claire? Cas?"
"It's me," Claire murmurs, her focus somewhere over the horizon. "It's Claire. Dad, I have to go."
"Claire," Amelia gasps, appearing next to him. She cups Claire's face in her hands. "Claire, baby, are you okay?"
"I have to go," she says. "He needs me."
"No," Amelia rasps. "No, we just got here. We're going to eat lobster later. We're going to go to Provincetown tomorrow."
The regret on Claire's face seems genuine enough. "I'm sorry."
"Claire, no," says Amelia, and Claire arches her head back and closes her eyes.
"Claire," Jimmy pleads.
"Cas--" Claire gasps.
And then she vanishes.
+
Jimmy dreams of comets.
+
"When will you let her come home?" Jimmy asks.
"When I can," says Castiel.
"What kind of an answer is that? What am I supposed to do with that?"
There is sorrow on Castiel's face, on Claire's face, and whether it's real or just good manners, Jimmy doesn't care anymore. The angel raises a hand to touch Jimmy's face and it nearly undoes him because oh god, Claire. Claire's small hand is on his face, and Jimmy turns into her palm, the softness of it, and draws a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry," Castiel says quietly.
Jimmy replies, "Me too."
[originally posted at http://whynot.dreamwidth.org/33781.html |
comments]
I wrote this next commentfic at
wandersfound's. The prompt was 'possessiveness/jealousy'. Despite having written this for the Five Acts meme, it is Novak gen. Such as it goes. I'm also gonna go ahead and count this for the Jimmy square of my spnsupporting table. Guess that SPN/Stonehenge Apocalypse twincest AU will just have to wait.The epigraph is from 'After Persephone' by Tracy K. Smith, which is a poem about angel/vessel PTSD. Thank you to
zempasuchil for betareading.Fiat Lux
Supernatural. Jimmy, Claire, Castiel. PG.
Futurefic. The next time Castiel needs a vessel, it's Claire who says yes. Jimmy POV. ~2000 words
The lights gather above them in a way that is all too familiar to Jimmy. He's holding on to Claire's arms so hard that it must hurt, but he doesn't care, he's not letting go. No way is he letting go.
"You can't do this!" Jimmy yells, shaking her, but he can't displace the resolution and wonder from her face. "Claire, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into."
"I do," she breathes. "Dad, I do. It's okay. He's not going to take you again."
But he tugs Claire into his arms, hugs her too tight and rages at the heavens, "You keep the hell away from her!" but then the light gets so bright. It falls around them like rain, and no matter how many times Jimmy yells no, it can't undo the yes already given. He doesn't let go, not even as the light threatens to blind him through closed lids, not even as the bone-shaking roar threatens to deafen him. Jimmy doesn't let go until the light fades, and only then does he blink away the afterimages (of burning wings, of wheels that spin eternal) and look into his daughter's eyes.
"Claire? Claire!"
She is calm, rigid, and opens her mouth to reply, and Jimmy interrupts to say her name again, just to cling for one more second to the hope that maybe Castiel changed his mind.
+
Claire has learned from Jimmy's mistakes, and Castiel is more open to compromise than he used to be. The agreement she struck with him allows her to be home every so often, for which Jimmy and Amelia are grateful, but...
Claire has always been a quiet girl, but now her quiet has acquired distance. Her affection is genuine, but her laughter is polite. He can't say that he and Amelia aren't too blame; they're afraid of asking Claire too many questions, afraid of not asking enough. Their daughter has developed the habit of suddenly looking away, watching and hearing for something that neither he nor Amelia are privy to. They reach out the best they can.
"Are you okay?" they'd ask. "Does he hurt you? Do you want to stop?"
"I'm fine," she'd answer. "Everything is fine."
When Jimmy and Claire are sitting at the kitchen island and sharing Cherry Garcia, he asks, "Does he talk to you?"
"Sure," she shrugs. "Sometimes."
"About what?"
She shrugs again.
"Does he let you see what's going on?"
"Sometimes."
Castiel had barely talked to him. He never let Jimmy see what was happening, aside from that time Castiel was upset enough over the death of his sister to let control slip just for a few seconds. Jimmy saw a woman on her back staring unseeing at the sky, the black outline of wings around her, and then the world shimmered and vanished once more.
"This isn't right," Jimmy sighs. "It should be me. You're young, you should be going to college, living your life--"
"Dad, this is my life."
"No, it's Castiel's."
She takes two bites of ice cream, looking intently at each spoonful before looking at him, and Jimmy rears back without thinking, because her eyes. For a split second he thought it was still Castiel.
Claire says, "This is the life I choose."
+
The worst is when Claire drops by and Castiel is still in her. That's part of Claire's deal, too. Castiel is to check and make sure Jimmy and Amelia are okay, let them see their daughter's face every once in a while, even though it's been rendered alien by angelic trespass. Alien, Jimmy thinks, but not unfamiliar.
This must have been what Claire saw. This must have been what Amelia saw when Castiel walked him out of their lives.
Amelia refuses to see Castiel. It's usually just Jimmy and him sitting on the porch steps, and Castiel looking small, out of place, and more impatient than Jimmy remembers.
"Claire says you talk to her sometimes," he says.
"Yes," Castiel replies. He has one foot on the first step, the other on the second, and he isn't looking at Jimmy. Those are the sneakers Claire bought for herself last Thanksgiving because her old Converse were starting to wear out.
"What do you talk to her about?"
"She asks me questions. She asks me what God is like. What other angels are like. She--"
"What are they like?" Jimmy asks.
"...I've never met my Father," Castiel admits hesitantly. "I doubt I ever will. My brothers and sisters are," and at this, the angel smiles a little, "dicks, as a friend once said."
Jimmy raises an eyebrow. "Friend? The Winchesters?"
"Yes."
"They're not dead yet, huh."
"They're difficult to kill."
"So are you, from what I hear."
The angel snorts, a human gesture that Jimmy would never have expected from him. "I guess you can say that, yes."
"Cas," says Jimmy, and as wary as he is of his former possessor, Jimmy feels an obscure joy at using a nickname for so powerful a being, "why did you... You didn't talk to me, when I was your vessel. You didn't let me see out."
"No," Castiel agrees.
Jimmy hesitates. This is stupid. But he already started anyway, so what the hell. "But you let Claire talk to you. You let her see what's going on."
"I thought I was protecting you."
"So what do you think you're doing with Claire?"
Castiel replies, "I was different then," like that means anything to Jimmy.
"That's not--" an excuse, but Jimmy doesn't say it because why would Castiel need to excuse himself for not cozying up to the guy he was possessing? "What, so the two of you are buddies now?" He tries to smirk.
Castiel smiles, and it's a bigger smile than the last. Almost Claire's smile. "Your daughter asked me that."
"What did you say?"
"That we're allies," he replies. "That together, we will save the world."
+
When Castiel started visiting Jimmy in his dreams all those years ago, he had told him the same thing. They will save the world. This is God's will. They are doing God's work. You are special, Jimmy, you are, you are, you are the only one. The words made the pieces of Jimmy's life fit together, and bolstered his suspicions that he was meant for something bigger, better, truer. Finally, Jimmy thought. Finally.
So Jimmy said yes, and the world faded to black.
He had had so many questions, but it's more difficult to have conversations in dreams than it is to be blessed. Much of the talk between Castiel and himself had gone one-way, with Jimmy lapping up every bit of revelation the angel imparted. There were so many things he wanted to know, from the theological ("So what's the deal with the other religions?") to the earthly ("So what's the deal with dinosaurs?"), but they never really got around to it.
For Jimmy and Castiel, things were very simple: I need you, said Castiel, and Jimmy replied, I am yours.
Right now, Jimmy is grilling burgers in the backyard and Claire is sitting in one of the adirondack chairs after bringing out the buns. They can see Amelia through the kitchen window, cutting up vegetables for the salad.
"Hey, Dad," Claire says. "Castiel took me to the moon."
"The what?"
"I was talking to him about other galaxies and--"
"How does that work?" Jimmy asks, turning to face her. "Do you guys speak telepathically, like it's all in your head? Do you speak out loud so it sounds like you're a crazy person talking to yourself?"
"In my head," she answers, and continues, "and I said well, if he can protect me from bullets and knives and falling out of windows--" Jimmy winces, "--then can he protect me from, you know, outer space? And he said yes."
She smiles tentatively, as if waiting for Jimmy to approve, so he says, "Holy cow. What was the moon like?"
"It's quiet. Really big, and beautiful. He let me run around, because you know how the gravity there is, like, not as strong? I was jumping around really high and stuff. It was pretty cool."
"Pretty cool," Jimmy repeats.
"We even saw the flag Neil Armstrong put up there," she grins.
"Aww. Did you salute it?"
Claire laughs. "No, no we didn't. Maybe I will next time."
Jimmy barely remembers anything from his possession. It was all like a dream, or a nightmare -- a really bad one that he can't quite remember when he wakes up even though his heart is still racing. All he has are vague impressions of light, heat if not searing cold, and hurtling through life at unimaginable speeds. He likes to think he felt the more intrusive edges of Castiel's doubt, or at least the outlines of his anger, but in truth it was hard to separate himself from Castiel at the time. The 'yes' destroys all boundaries.
He thinks he would've liked for Castiel to take him to Antarctica. Jimmy's always been curious about the place.
"Dad," says Claire. "The burgers."
They're burning. He returns to them frantically as Amelia comes out with the salad.
+
The next time Claire comes home, they go to Cape Cod.
They haven't done a vacation in a while, and Cape Cod had been the first vacation they took as a family. The nostalgia appeals to them all. They stay at a little seaside inn in Orleans and go to the beach with an unwieldy collection of umbrellas, snacks, water bottles, towels, cameras, magazines, et cetera. They throw a frisbee around, and Jimmy's throw accidentally lands it in the ocean. Claire volunteers to retrieve it.
"This was a great idea," Amelia says, slipping her arms around his waist as they watch Claire splashing through the water.
"She's growing pretty fast, huh?" Jimmy says. "Even with the angelic non-ageing thing, she's getting pretty big." He turns to face Amelia, who has lines at the corners of her eyes and mouth. He kisses her, and the lines deepen as she smiles. Jimmy used to joke that Amelia is now biologically older than him, but she didn't find it very funny.
"Jimmy," she says, and her tone is wary. "Jimmy, look."
So he does, and Claire is standing thigh-deep in the water, very still. The lime-green frisbee bobs on the waves, floating away. Amelia and Jimmy break into a run.
They call her name, and she doesn't respond, doesn't even move. Jimmy reaches her first, grabbing her shoulders in panic. "Claire," he says. "Claire? Cas?"
"It's me," Claire murmurs, her focus somewhere over the horizon. "It's Claire. Dad, I have to go."
"Claire," Amelia gasps, appearing next to him. She cups Claire's face in her hands. "Claire, baby, are you okay?"
"I have to go," she says. "He needs me."
"No," Amelia rasps. "No, we just got here. We're going to eat lobster later. We're going to go to Provincetown tomorrow."
The regret on Claire's face seems genuine enough. "I'm sorry."
"Claire, no," says Amelia, and Claire arches her head back and closes her eyes.
"Claire," Jimmy pleads.
"Cas--" Claire gasps.
And then she vanishes.
+
Jimmy dreams of comets.
+
"When will you let her come home?" Jimmy asks.
"When I can," says Castiel.
"What kind of an answer is that? What am I supposed to do with that?"
There is sorrow on Castiel's face, on Claire's face, and whether it's real or just good manners, Jimmy doesn't care anymore. The angel raises a hand to touch Jimmy's face and it nearly undoes him because oh god, Claire. Claire's small hand is on his face, and Jimmy turns into her palm, the softness of it, and draws a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry," Castiel says quietly.
Jimmy replies, "Me too."
[originally posted at http://whynot.dreamwidth.org/33781.html |
no subject
Heee! I totally didn't mean that, but I like that interpretation and now encourage you to continue to be creeped out. Maybe one day there'll be a remix like that.
I don't want to associate angels with gender, but I guess it's a necessary evil. I associate the vessel with the gender. In always!Clairestiel AUs I've written, I use she/her. I use he/his/him in this one because a) it's Jimmy-vision, and b) Cas possessed Jimmy first. Jimmy canonically thinks of Castiel as male, so Jimmy sees it as a male thing in his daughter's female body. He is addressing the male thing.
As much as I want to write a fic set in Heaven, I dunno if I ever will because of the technical details like this. How to even begin to describe Heaven and what can happen there?
no subject
It'd be hard to write scenes where you avoid gender assignation to the angels altogether. You might have to rely a lot on interactions on earth, and imply the technical inapplicability of gender to angels by having some characters be in both male and female vessels during the story. I dunno, the gender-neutral pronouns like "ze" just look odd to me in writing. :(