whynot | [...i'm not having sex with colin farrell but guess what...]

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[...i'm not having sex with colin farrell but guess what...]

I have not started my remix or my BDS easter bunny challenge, yet I have at least two relatively lengthy BDS fics--one set in a desert, the other being kind of a crossover with Gossip *leers at this week's bds_drabble challenge*--and they're both waiting to see the light of day. Not this day, though.

Anyway. Troy RPS fics involving Brad Pitt. There are none. And by none, I mean two, which is measly compared to the surprising abundance of Banalando (HEHEHE) thingies out there. So I was like, "Hmm." Then I was like, *fics*.

I'm a-gonna name it BRANDO. Or Ploom. Whichever. Here's the fic, being probably just this side of silly. Find the LOTRips references and win a box of goldfish crackers!

Title: Reruns & Lawsuits
Fandom: Troy RPS
Pairing: Brandoploom
Rating: PG13
Summary: What happens in Middle Earth stays in Middle Earth, but Malta is a whole 'nother ball game.
Disclaimer: This story is a flagrant lie, kind of like what I said back there about giving you goldfish crackers.

-
Reruns & Lawsuits

It was late, they were out, they were drinking, and it wasn't like Brad didn't notice that the 'come hither' look in Orlando's eyes was inversely proportional to the wine he consumed. It would be presumptuous to say 'please stop undressing me with your eyes' so Brad just grinned and shot the shit, as always. Over the years, out of necessity, he had developed a knack for bullshitting.

The topic changed to television shows and Brad said his favorite was Friends. That was his wife's show, by the way.

"Ex-wife's show," said Orlando.

"What?"

"I mean, wife's ex-show." Orlando smiled, raising his glass as if in apology. "I thought they were... pulling the plug."

"Yeah. Yeah, they are. Had a good long run and now it's time for something new and godspeed, you know?"

"That one kid on the show. He has a spin-off."

And that was funny, Orlando Bloom calling Matt LeBlanc 'kid', because Matt had ten years on the boy. A boy who, Brad might add, was getting slightly past tipsy. Orlando was: dark heavy-lidded eyes, pink tongue that peeked out between white teeth and lingered, words swallowed by alcohol. It seemed that with every mouthful of wine, Orlando's limbs grew longer, and that he took up more of the booth without really moving at all. Brad knew it was a display for his benefit and he just watched, amused, daresay entertained and, sitting back, subtly parried. Orlando wasn't the only one with presence in the room.

"You mean Joey," said Brad.

"That's the one," said Orlando, and took another sip. "You must forgive my ignorance. The show isn't to my taste."

"It's a free world," shrugged Brad.

"I suppose there are always reruns, then?"

"Yeah. They're still showing I Love Lucy back home, so why not Friends? People are still into it, and that goes two ways in America: reruns or lawsuits. Research from their marketing team has shown that reruns are usually the way to go. But we'll see." Brad punctuated this by downing his shot, slamming the glass down on the table, and flashing Orlando a shit-eating grin.

Orlando chuckled. "Cynicism is for teenagers, Brad."

"Oh, excuse me, sonny, I must have left my walker out in the parking lot."

"Senility setting in?" said Orlando, raising an eyebrow, and they grinned at each other.

"But I've never understood reruns," said Orlando. (Man, let it go, it was going so well... thought Brad.) "Especially now in the age of DVDs. Why not just shove the show off the TV altogether and go with something newer? Fresher. People always want a taste of something new. Sometimes people don't know they want until it's thrust upon them." Orlando's voice became slower, smoother somehow. His eyes shone and his smile became just a little more wicked. Brad watched the change in his face with fascination. Orlando was getting his mack on. Orlando was getting his mack on and he was going to fall flat on his face. It was funny and kind of sweet, in its way. Poor kid. Poor overly hormonal kid. Talk about typecasting, thought Brad. "People," Orlando said, "always want something new and exciting and different."

"I subscribe to the Joni Mitchell school of thought myself," said Brad, his voice the epitome of laid-back.

"What?"

"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." He sighed and didn't even blink when someone came to refill his glass. "Friends is gone, but now with the magic of reruns, it doesn't have to be, especially since it's stil widely enjoyed. If it ain't broke, why fix it? If I like what I have, why change? I don't need to go around having what I like."

"But you do like."

"That entirely depends on the whos and whats in question."

Orlando fixed him with a level stare and Brad feign glibness and grinned back with relish. Orlando said, "Are you going to recite axioms all night or are you going to finish your drink?"

"Actually," said Brad, downing the shot before continuing, "I'm turning in for the night. It's a long day tomorrow, kiddo. Better get your beauty sleep, right?"

Brad slid out of the booth and made his way out of the bar. He could feel Orlando's eyes on him to the door.

+

It was kind of funny, actually. Kind of ironic. There was a part of him that felt like flashing Jennifer a toothy grin and saying, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire, honey. I'm not having sex with Colin Farrell but guess what?"

Orlando Bloom was kissing him against a trailer.

The part of him that felt like sneering at his wife's expense was outnumbered by the other parts of him that were quite upset that the elf-prince of Mirkwood was kissing him against a fucking trailer. One minute it was 'so what did you think of that take, Brad' and the next it was 'let me get that piece of spinach between your teeth, Brad... with my tongue', only Orlando didn't say that, because although the current situation showed that Orlando was not above bouts of badly timed stupidity, he was not so stupid that he couldn't recognize the social don't of starting an impromptu makeout session by talking about spinach.

Still, spinach would have been better than what Brad got, which was nothing. Which was, "Yeah, Saffron was saying the same thing last night", a smile, and a mouthful of Orlando.

It was only shock that at the moment prevented Brad from reacting. This was a time for action (and not that kind), not for being held against some trailer by a kid half his age. If Brad had more of his wits about him, he would grab Orlando by the shoulders, hard enough to bruise, and switch their positions, taking care to make sure that Orlando's head knocked back extra hard against the trailer wall. In size and strength, Brad had the upper hand. Brad would knock Orlando's head against the trailer one more time for good measure then ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing.

Instead, Brad laughed. Orlando took the opportunity to slip his tongue between Brad's lips, which made Brad start and jerk his head to the side. He grabbed Orlando by his biceps, switched their positions, and easily held the boy. Orlando barely struggled, and when Brad shook him and knocked the boy's head back against the trailer, he ceased to struggle at all.

"What was that?" Brad asked, grinning a wide and incredulous sort of grin. It was the kind of grin that was just a quieter substitute for cursing your lungs out. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, kid?"

Orlando hung his head and groaned. "Fucking hell, man, my head..."

"Oh, great. I'm glad I didn't damage your brain then, seeing as you have the foresight to store it between your legs." Brad patted Orlando's cheek, perhaps a little harder than necessary. Once, twice, and the third time was as good as a slap. Orlando sputtered and tried to turn away. "It's a good thing I'm too heavy for you to throw over your shoulder and bring back to London, huh?" said Brad. "Or else England and the US of A would be fighting a ten-year war too."

"Fucking hell..." and Jesus Christ, Orlando's head couldn't have hurt that much, could it? He was probably stalling for time.

Brad ruffled Orlando's hair. "Hey. Kid. Tiger. Slugger. Sport." Orlando tried to move his head away. "Are you drunk?"

"It's four in the afternoon. Of course not."

"I don't know whether that makes things better or worse. No, don't go yet," said Brad when Orlando began to struggle. He tightened his grip on Orlando's arms, ignoring the grimace on his face. "Don't think that just because I'm forty and married, you piece of shit elf, doesn't mean I'm too over the hill to notice your game. And that's all it is. A game. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, do not leave your head stuck up your ass, please. Whatever was going on during the Lord of the Rings shoot, keep that shit to yourself. Fly in your hobbit buddies for your bit of fun, whatever, but notice that I'm not the one wearing curly wigs or prosthetic hairy feet. That means something. It means fuck off. I like what I have, I don't go around having what I like." Another disguised slap on the cheek and Brad let Orlando wrench himself away. "And let me say," said Brad, looking him in the eye, "that this is not the road that leads to being something I like."

The defiance was obvious on Orlando's face, but defiance was a flimsy mask for hurt pride. There might be other emotions there, lurking beneath the light foundation and darkened eyes, but Brad didn't have the patience or compassion to look for them.

"I don't know if you regularly jump your co-stars or what," said Brad, scratching his head. "I mean... Jesus. Look, I don't know what your problem is. Maybe the Lord of the Rings people know all your issues and intrigues, but they're not here and I have no fucking clue. I don't want a fucking clue, not now. So, can you do us a favor and just... chill out? Just calm down, increase your daily minimum of cold showers, that's all, and you should be fine."

Brad hadn't done that much extemporaneous orating since the Fight Club publicity appearances when Edward had philosophized himself out and the interviewers were still hungry for more po-mo catchphrases. Honestly speaking, Orlando was a good kid. Maybe. If only he'd snap out of this phase of making out with the next pretty face in sight, he might actually make for some decent company. Leaving Orlando to stew, Brad gave him one last look and strode purposefully away.

Jesus. Make them wear a wig and prance around in a genre film one time and they think they own the goddamn world.

+

Out of curiosity, the next day Brad asked Sean what did happen during the Lord of the Rings shoot. Orlando had been avoiding him the entire day, which Brad didn't mind, but he was beginning to wonder if he had struck a particular nerve with his Lord of the Rings remarks.

Sean shrugged and said, "What happens in Middle Earth stays in Middle Earth."

Fucking Ring nuts.

Still, this was probably be better than sitting on your ass the entire day and listening to your wife channeling her biological clock angst into micromanaging your career.

Brad grinned, despite himself. As far as being jumped for stolen kisses go, one could do a lot worse than Orlando Bloom.

"Hey," said Sean, snapping his fingers in front of Brad's face. "You there?"

"Huh?" He swatted Sean's hand away. "Yeah."

"You went somewhere for a few seconds there," Sean said, amused. "You alright?"

Brad smiled at him, a shit-eating sort of smile. "Why wouldn't I be?"

[end.]

AUTHOR NOTES: Refer to this article about the Colin Farrell thing. The Joni Mitchell lyric is from 'Big Yellow Taxi'. Brad Pitt played a long-haired vampire in Interview with a Vampire, and may or may not have pranced.

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so omg i had to get over my intensely irrational hatred of Brad Pitt to enjoy this fic, but hee! that was great. poor orli. and wow, when did Brad Pitt become the old dude in the films.

also, what remix and easter challenge? man, i am so so out of the fandom loop. or whatever loop. loopy. hello, my time away from lj has caused me to lose my mind!

Ha! Thanks, man. I enjoy your enjoyment. But dude, Brad Pitt's not old. He's forty. Only, the Johnny Depp kind of forty, not the regular kind. There should be a whole new age for people like them, really. Fortybutnotreally years old.

They're not really people. They're no-age androids, or else they sold their souls to Satan for the price of eternal youth and some mighty fine cheekbones.

Aww, deadlines for both challenges have past. Still, if you wanna look at stuff, the multifandom remix HQ is

remixredux and the BDS Secret Easter Bunny challenge (as opposed to Secret Santa) is here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/bds_fic/49947.html).

caused me to lose my mind!
Good. You're one of us now. *cackles*

They're no-age androids

hah! they so totally are. i wonder if we can order a couple. mmm...my own personal Johnny Depp.

::checks out remix and bunny challenge:: ooo...interesting. i'm glad i stayed away though, because i'm HORRIBLE at challenges. horrible.

shaddup. i'm totally not like you at all, crazy...person.

That was goddamn fabulous!! Loved it! Perfect amount of snark and psychology, splendidly blended and nicely believable - good times, good times! Who's ready for Memorial Day weekend already?!

I was going to come to the theatre dressed as the Trojan horse, until I remembered that I'm cool but not cool enough to look good in a horse costume in the middle of a mall.

Sad.

Haha, and dude, wow, I'm glad you enjoyed the fic as much as you did! Thanks for reading, yoj. :)

aw, poor orli.

amusedness all the way though for brad. i like how he's portrayed here.

amusedness all the way though for brad. i like how he's portrayed here.
Thank you!

And as for Orli, or Paris rather, there's this great icon I saw somewhere, said, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I can't keep it in my pants and started a ten-year war."
That stayed in my mind, somewhat.

Hahah! Oh I agree, it's memorable! It's an interesting thought, too. ;)

fantastic and i adore the end! really great--though i've never read any brad pitt fic (is there any? other than this?) it feels like you got his voice down pat. i love seducer!orli in the bar all sexy and kittenish and then getting his head bumped. hee.
*hugs*
julia

fantastic and i adore the end! really great--though i've never read any brad pitt fic (is there any? other than this?) it feels like you got his voice down pat.
Thank you so much! I've never read Bradfic either, I just watch Jennifer Anniston interviews on Leno (Conan?) and watch Fight Club with the commentary on. There are are a couple of Bradfics on

troy_rps, but I haven't read them. I might get around to reading those soon, I think.

*hugs*
*squees*
*hugs back*

Well then, allow me to pimp myself here. Much to my own shock, I wrote a Brad story a few weeks ago: http://www.livejournal.com/users/natasha1805/174211.html

I'm relatively new to this comm, so I haven't seen any others besides this one. I wish there were more, he's turning out to be very slashable! :)

Everyons is slashable. NO ONE IS SAFE. [Diabolical laughter goes here.]

Heheheh. Once I am done laughing like a mad loon, I shall be able to write an informed and professional- sounding review.
Or, not. "Just calm down, increase your daily minimum of cold showers, that's all, and you should be fine." Lines like this are my favorite part of the story. Off- handed wit is just worthy of praise.

Now that I think about it, come Memorial Day, my head is going to explode, during that movie.

*beams*
Aww, dude. Thank you so much! :)

Now that I think about it, come Memorial Day, my head is going to explode, during that movie.
Hope you don't think I'm going to clean that up. My little head fragments will be on the floor right there with you.

My little head fragments will be on the floor right there with you. Cool, and then the other people in the theater can run away, and we can watch the movie in total peace and quiet. Only not, as we won't have brains to appreciate the...fine acting, and attention to historical detail. Yeah, that's why we're there. Nothing to do with good looking actors, nothing at all.

Nothing to do with good looking actors, nothing at all.
Totally, dude. We're there for the horse.

We're there for the horse. I mean, of course. The horse, in all of it's horsey-ness. Marvel at the wonder that is the horse, with it's finely honed...equine senses. And note, in passing, the people who are commanding the horse, and those who are tricked by it. Yeah, in passing. Just a quick glance.

!!! i am *so* incredibly happy that you wrote this pairing. i was kind of waiting for it-- not specifically from you, because that's creepy, but in general. i greatly adore your brad pitt characterization. please, sir, i want some more? *^^*

Haha, thanks, man! I'm all a-blush.

Funny you should say this, actually. Last night I finally did get around to reading one of the Bradfics on

troy_rps and I was surprised to read in the comments that more people disliked Brad than I thought. (They liked the fic, but not Brad, or the fic made them like Brad, you know the deal. And if you repeat Brad in your mind often enough, you begin to realize that it really is a weird name. Brad. Brad? Bradbradbrad.) It's like, what'd the guy ever do?

hey, i'm from icon_crazies, and i just realized you could post. but i fixed that, so post away!

Oh! Hmm. Thank you.

Oh, this was wonderful! I'm not a huge Brad-fan (although I did slash him on this comm, no less), but I can appreciate the pretty. And I love his characterization here. As far as an RPS character goes, there's some great raw material here. And thanks for the link to the article. I didn't know Brad was supposed to play Hephaistion and dropped out! Argh! *plots to kill Jennifer*

Thank you. Thanks for reading and dude, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

Argh! *plots to kill Jennifer*
Sometimes I don't know whether to agree here or not. Sure we won't get to see Colin Farrell sucking face with Brad Pitt, but now we'll see Colin Farrell sucking face with Jared Leto. That's still a lot of pretty. OH THE DECISIONS.

not a huge Brad-fan (although I did slash him on this comm, no less), but I can appreciate the pretty.
Yeah, I was wondering about that a few comments back. More people dislike him than I thought.

Sure we won't get to see Colin Farrell sucking face with Brad Pitt, but now we'll see Colin Farrell sucking face with Jared Leto. That's still a lot of pretty. OH THE DECISIONS.

Excellent point. And if Brad were rolling in the hay with Colin, he probably would have had a scheduling conflict with Troy, and lord only knows who would've been our Achilles then. Although to be fair, my lust for Achilles extends back to when I was eleven, so in my mind, there's no living actor who can fill his sandals.

More people dislike him than I thought.

I do wonder about that. I don't dislike him, I'm just not a huge fan. That is, I just don't think about him much, although Troy may change that. He seems likeable though; maybe just not extremely interesting. Maybe that's why he's interesting to me as a slash character- sort of a blank slate.

sort of a blank slate.
That's a good way to put it. I like Brad, actually. Or at least, I'm interested in seeing how good he might be. Personally I found it kind of surprising that most of the Troy RPS so far was Bana/Bloom, because did Brad not have enough of The Hawt to be engaged in hormonal shipping too? I was LJcommenting with someone (forgot who...) and: Bloom is already a familiar figure to RPSers and that Bana is even more of a blank slate than Brad because Bana hasn't had any high-profile relationships with women in the past. Unlike Brad. So, Brad's history is a shadow that impedes his slashability.

I reckon this will soon be amended.

...I can't believe I just typed all that.

If slash was a class, do you think my GPA would be in better condition?

I was surprised at the lack of Brad-fic. I figured the girls would jump on him, given the chance. And yeah, Bloom is already an RPS staple, which makes him less interesting for me to write, I guess. Have you seen any Bana/Pitt fic? Because, Mrowr.

If slash were a class, we would all be honor students! :)

And yeah, Bloom is already an RPS staple, which makes him less interesting for me to write, I guess.
I feel you. I'm the kind of ficcer always hopping onto the next shiny fandom ~~with hotter guys~~.

I have not seen a Bana/Pitt fic anywhere either. Come on, May 14...

You know, I was sceptical because for some reason I am sceptical towards any Brad-slash (I know, weird, coming from one-sho-is-way-too-excited-about-troy-rps-before-it's-even-come-out-for-her-own-good) but this really drew me in. It's written in such a snappy prose style and that somehow just captured something about Brad (or the way I see Brad, heh). And the Colin Farrell thing! You had me scurrying to imdb.com, looking for 'joint ventures' until I got to the A/N at the end (duh!) -- and *screamed*! Brad is so not-slashy and so not-gay and maybe that is what, in a roundabout way, makes him slashy after all. I loved the way you wrote him as an Orlando-resister! Ah, after all these years of every man falling at Orli's feet in fanon it's like a fresh shower to have someone who can *hold his own*!!

And the references to the Lotr nuts... priceless!

It's written in such a snappy prose style and that somehow just captured something about Brad (or the way I see Brad, heh).
Dude. Cool. I'm glad that worked for you. :) Thanks for checking this out.

Y'know, I never really understood the Orlando love. Maybe because the only films I've seen him in are LOTR and POTC and he was completely vapid in them? Perhaps I'm being prematurely judgmental... I was totally an Aragorn person from the start anyway.

And the references to the Lotr nuts... priceless!
;)

He is, alas, a vapid actor. Not much better in Ned Kelly but good in his three minutes of fame on Midsomer Murders (that's about his level: low-grade television series). I just fell for him as soon as I saw pics of him in Malta with *curls*. Am shallow lust wench.

Am shallow lust wench.
Totally not a sin.

I mean, it is. But... it's, uh...

Yeah.

We're all in this handbasket together.

Jesus. Make them wear a wig and prance around in a genre film one time and they think they own the goddamn world.

Orlando-basher!!!
I knew it.........

I liked this v.much although much as I perv over Orlando, I cannot help but wonder if he really could manage to say 'axiom' while getting progressively drunker.....

Orlando-basher!!!
:p

I cannot help but wonder if he really could manage to say 'axiom' while getting progressively drunker.....
"Axiom."
"Bless you."
"..."

Heh, thanks, man.

Sadly that was a lot more realistic than what I would have liked. But that's okay, because this was light, fun, well-written fic, anyway. I adored your characterizations, and yes, I do think Brad most definitely pranced in Interview with the Vampire.

Haha, well, glad you approve of it despite its lack of manlove. Wait 'til next Friday. I bet the manlove'll be exploding all over the place after then.

Dude. Not the kind of Brad/Orlando story I was expecting, and yet so much better. I was laughing like crazy by the end, and I can actually get behind both characterizations. Loved the ending.

Not the kind of Brad/Orlando story I was expecting
Haha, seems to be the party line.

I was laughing like crazy by the end, and I can actually get behind both characterizations.
That's awesome to hear. Thank you!

First, I love that icon. Second, I love this fic. I see-saw about Brad Pitt and how I feel about him. I frequently think he's sold out for the bigger dollar, and then he puts in a performance like Snatch and I love him again. But, Brad, the MAN, I've always liked. Great, snarky sense of humor that he's got, what's not to love?

Onto the fic:

"Oh, excuse me, sonny, I must have left my walker out in the parking lot."

Heh... there it is. There's the snark.

The part of him that felt like sneering at his wife's expense was outnumbered by the other parts of him that were quite upset that the elf-prince of Mirkwood was kissing him against a fucking trailer.

Elf-prince of Mirkwood... oh, love that line. Had me cackling.

he was not so stupid that he couldn't recognize the social don't of starting an impromptu makeout session by talking about spinach.

Stop making me spit my coke out, damnit!

It was the kind of grin that was just a quieter substitute for cursing your lungs out.

Yes. Brad does have that down, doesn't he? Fight Club, Kalifornia... Snatch. Defiantely. (which was going to be definately, but defiantly fits, so screw it)

I'm glad I didn't damage your brain then, seeing as you have the foresight to store it between your legs."

Seriously. Stop. My keyboard is not the caffiene freak I am.

Brad hadn't done that much extemporaneous orating since the Fight Club publicity appearances

Oooh, big words. In love with you.

Also? Brad is a dick. LOL! Good, I like that.

I like the way you take these preferred pairings and kinda make them... not. Does that make sense? This seemed more realistic than the ones that have people in love, and succumbing to temptation, etc.

And i also like how I didn't particularly LIKE either Orlando or Pitt. Orlando for his nymph-ness, and Brad for being just RUTHLESSLY mean to Orlando.

But, as i said, I like that snark he's got, so I actually kinda did like the fact that he was a bit of a dick.

Okay... ya know what? Shhh, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think you are definately my favorite author on LJ that I've run across so far.

Yes. Yes, you are. I'm not the fan-girling type, but consider yourself fangirled by me okay? Because that? With it's word usage, and it's snark, and its funny?

Yeah. Fangirled indeed.

Okay, ya know what? I'm being that annoying girl with the needless babbling aren't I? I'm sorry, these things keep turning out so long, and I usually don't write more than two sentences for feedback, so... Anyway. I need to pay more attention to how long it is before I hit post. I'm not coming across as the 24 year old I actually am.

Noooooo, you're not being annoying at all! You're being that wonderful feedbacker who writes feedback that's not just "grate stuff! rite mor!1" that every writer hopes for! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Twice it's happened that I've loved a fic so much and gave it so much feedback that it had to be split into two replies each.

Word about the Brad. I just quite like him, I do.

I don't generally read stuff having to do with Orlando Bloom, but I was rec'd here, and I'm glad I took the time. Because I really loved this. I found myself enjoying the Brad voice while still feeling a little bad for Orlando (that little tramp). Well done.

Thanks, man! I appreciate it. May I ask where you saw me recced?

khohen1 pointed me here after I read/liked her Brad Pitt fic.

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[...i'm not having sex with colin farrell but guess what...]

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