whynot | Every night before Chuck Norris goes to bed, he checks his closet for Edmund Pevensie.

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Every night before Chuck Norris goes to bed, he checks his closet for Edmund Pevensie.

In which my thesis on food crisis (among other things) almost leaked into my Calormen fic. Okay, so there's this exchange between Edmund and the Calormene grand vizier:

“You were talking about the irrigation infrastructure in the southern reaches,” Edmund reminded him.

“Ah, yes. I fear there will be famine if we are not able to preempt another source of grain.”

“Might I suggest lowering tariffs on crops?”

The conversation went on as such as the two men made their way through the Tisroc’s fertile gardens, politicians politely negotiating the wealth of their nations.

I had to restrain myself from extending their conversation into something like this:

The grand vizier says, "Oh no, I know what you're trying to do. You made Terebinthia lower tariffs and then you flooded their markets with cheap imports, and look where they are now."

And Edmund is like, "Hey, it's not Narnia's fault that Terebinthia doesn't have strong commercial agriculture."

And then the grand vizier is like, "Commerce can only do so much. A good macroeconomic policy for Calormen has to also look into more sustainable alternatives, like localized farming--"

"If by sustainable you mean PRODUCING BELOW OPTIMUM CAPACITY. Look, man, what have we said about maximizing profits?"

The grand vizier goes all red in the face and is like, "You realize agricultural specialization only leads to economic dependency and sociopolitical ruin!"

Edmund is secretly like I do because he eats the hearts of World Bank presidents for breakfast everyday and absorbs their essence. He says, "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps diversification of production is the way to go. What do you think, should Narnia subsidize its fisheries?"

And then the grand vizier makes this face: D-:

Then he makes this face: -_-

Edmund makes no faces but he probably goes, "Exxxxcellent," while stroking a cat and leaning back in a leather armchair.

And so Calormen lowers tariffs, their markets get flooded with cheap imports, their domestic production gets FUCKED, and they are forced to go into a conditional bilateral aid agreement with Narnia, which perpetuates a cycle of debt and structural adjustment in accordance with the preferences of Cair Paravel.

And most of the money goes back to Narnia anyway, because most of the professionals commissioned to get the Calormene economy back in shape? ARE NARNIANS. And 'getting the Calormene economy back in shape'? Translates to 'making it easier for Narnia to access Calormen's resources and influence its development policies'.

And this is how Narnia TOOK OVER THE WORLD.

And when there is protest about the system, Narnia is like, "What do you mean you don't like it? Don't you like freedom?"

And Terebinthia is like, "Well, we hate being poor!"

"What's that?" says Narnia. "You hate us?"

"No, we hate how your economic agenda undermines our sovereignty!"

"Oh shit!" screams Narnia. "YOU HATE US! To arms, Narnians, to arms! For Aslaaaaaan."

And they lived happily ever after.

Edmund Pevensie: ruthless neoliberal.

MY FREE TRADE ANGST LET ME SHOW YOU IT

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

re your subjectline: DEAD FROM LAUGHING

the rest of it just makes me depressed :( Though the idea of Edmund eating the hearts of World Bank presidents for breakfast to absorb their powers is AWESOME.

You know the Terebinthians' protests of "we hate how your economic agenda undermines our sovereignty" really mean "if you are going to destroy us we might as well fight back." And then, well. Terebinthian terror in Narnia? omg D:

urgh i know, doesn't dependency theory just break your heart? centers and peripheries! peripheriiiiiies.

OMG TERROR. how susan, like, cuts the ribbon at an orphanage opening or some crap to distract the public while peter and edmund are like, "okay, we have to more vigilant at ports of entry. have the naiads search each disembarking passenger and their bags for suspicious items!"

and lucy says, "and when we find weapons on them, what would--"

"no no!" peter flails. "not just weapons! suspicious items!"

lucy: o_O?

peter says, "take their tinderboxes, and confiscate all lotions and toothpaste, and um, bottles of water. yes. and check their shoes."

"...their shoes?"

"DO AS I SAY!"

studying for my Global Isssues final, I keep thinking of this, so I had to come back and read it again. this is actually really all the studying I can do, reading your neoliberal edmund. aw man. but it is hardly insubstantial.

ahaha! dude, this is just a transparent summation of all the case studies i read during my undergrad where western powers use the World Bank and WTO to FUCK OVER latin america and south asia ET CETERA. NEOCOLONIALISM, THAT KILLER OF BABIES. this is not worldbuilding, i didn't have to build anything, and i won't even try to call it meta :(.

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